Orlando

Orlando, FL: Home to Disney World, Universal Studios, SeaWorld, Busch Gardens, Legoland, and hundred of other theme parks and attractions.

Now the site of the deadliest attack on American soil since 9/11.

As of Monday morning, Orlando police cite the death toll as 49. Another 53 injured, some life-threatening. 1 shooter, who shall remain nameless so as not to give him the notoriety that violent attackers seek.

WHY? Why do we see such vile, such vitriol? Such depraved indifference toward our fellow humans? Even the lives not taken will now have permanent scars. Friends, lovers, children, brothers, sisters....all affected by this senseless tragedy.

This is NOT a gun control issue. This is a mental health issue. How can we most effectively reach out to those nearing a breaking point of violence?

Of course, it's multifactorial. Acceptance (many shooters are social outsiders, looking for a way to fit into society). Notoriety. Fame. Desperation. Hopelessness. Anger. Fear. Anger. Bitterness.

We live in egocentric times. Social media has turned us into mini-celebrities, gathering "likes" and "shares" and editing our photos to make us look and feel desirable. Who can outshine everyone else? Oddly, our egos have gotten much softer. I see so many people with such a flimsy sense of self in real life, while spending so much time creating virtual personas and sending SnapChats. "Humblebrag" posts abound. People fish for compliments every chance they get, but the gratification seems awfully short-lived.

Some people then take it to the extreme. How can I make a name for myself?, they say. Not through hard work. Too old-fashioned, they say. The economy is slow. More jobs than ever have been exported. Instant fame, they say. Instant gratification.

This idea of instant gratification has deeply affected the current generation. Nothing is lasting. Marriages are dissolving, with no thanks to websites like Ashley Madison and Tinder.

We need to work on ourselves. Our children.

We need to build lasting sense of self. Find our strengths. Improve our weaknesses. Stop comparing ourselves to other people. Be confident in our place in society. Take what we need, and share the rest.

There is enough love, enough courage, enough of everything to go around.

Let's start spreading it around.

#prayforOrlando

In Dog We Trust

Yesterday, 10 June, marks the passing of another whole year since I last saw my dog.

She entered our world (like all of our pets!) in a unique way. My sister met someone with a litter of 1/2 purebred Border Collie-1/4 beagle-1/4 bulldog puppies. She quickly attached herself to me, and clung hilariously to my side until the day she passed.

She died of a hemangiosarcoma, a type of cancer "common" in her dogs her size, they said. She was the nanny. She herded my kids and kept them away from the street (patrolling her border!) and knew where they were all the time. Sometimes she hid from them.

The family always laughs about how she would "talk" to us. "Ruh ruh ruh, ruh ruh ruh, ::lick::" before flopping to the floor. She'd tap on a door with her paw if she wanted in! And casually pushed you out of her way if you were in her Spot. She used to lay on my bed with her head on a pillow, and her body under the covers!

I tell people the story of my dog and the Stranger all the time. See, she just loved everyone; but ONE time, just ONE time, she growled. She growled at a well-dressed gentleman in the parking lot of a store on Christmas Eve. (We've all heard the advice to be aware of your surroundings at stores that time of year.) I had never heard her growl, but growl she did -- and showed her teeth until that man had disappeared. Always trust a dog's intuition!

A good friend of ours works with Pets for Vets (Www.petsforvets.com) and we proudly supporter pet therapy programs. My dog gave me some of the best joys. I'm just sad that my children won't get to spend more time with her.

Guest Post: "Reality of Rape" (Voices, Inc.)

Guest post courtesy of Melissa L., founder of Voices, Inc.
Originated June 8, 2016 Beautiful & Dark.

Reality of Rape: Why I am far from shocked about Brock Allen Turner’s Sentence

This past weekend, social media was abuzz with news of Brock Allen Turner’s six month sentence for raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. You might not remember when news of the rape originally broke, but I do. I remember saying out loud, “Wow. Witnesses. Maybe we’ll actually get a conviction on this one.” It’s a sad reality, and not at all a stretch to realize that eye witnesses to your rape are one of the very few ways to possibly get a conviction.

Did you know that 97% of rapists will receive no retribution for their crime? Not a single day in jail. No sex offender registry. No punishment. Not a slap on the wrist. Rape is, in fact, the least reported crime. 54% of sexual assault goes unreported. After reading the victim impact statement written and shared from strength and fierce survivorship from Turner’s victim/survivor, it is not at all difficult to see why though some will still ask. Some will still say “If I were raped, I would report it.” “If I were raped, I would speak out.” “If that were me, I would do blah blah blah blah blah…” If you are privileged enough to say, “If I were raped,” know that you have no right to speak words after that. You do not have the right to speculate what you may or may not have done. I tell every single survivor I work with that you did what you needed to do to survive and it worked because you survived. It is true, and not another soul can speculate what he or she would have done in your particular situation.

Six percent of rapists spend a single day in jail, and what we don’t talk about is that a big, giant, chunk of cases are plead down to lesser charges. Sometimes it is because the victim feels she or he cannot bear going through the hells of trial. This is fine because it should be the survivor’s decision in the end. However, we must ask what the hell we are doing in the court system that makes SO so many survivors feel they cannot bear to go through with it. I’ll give you a hint. We are asking what they were wearing, what they were drinking, about their sexual history, and about their relationships. We are asking about their beliefs, about what they do for fun, about their friendships, and goals, and plans. We ask intrusive questions about their lives because the victim is on trial. This is literally the only crime where we wring the victim out on the stand, examining her life from all angles.

What gets me most about this whole case is how shocked the world is. My news feed has been flooded with shares about this case. Thankfully, everyone has supported the survivor, and been disgusted with Turner, his father, friend, and the judge who offered up such a lenient sentence. I am utterly stunned that everyone is so shocked. I’ve seen post after post stating things like, “Is this real life?” and “Are you kidding me??” and “I cannot believe this.” It IS horrible! I am standing with you in that THIS. IS. AWFUL. At every angle, this makes me angry and horrified. Yet, this is the reality of rape. This is actual reality for rape survivors. We survivors, and those working in the field are actually supposed to be pleased that there was a conviction at all. We are supposed to be grateful he is being punished albeit incredibly brief. But I won’t take these scraps. I won’t sit back and be complacent for a second that this is reality. This is not ok.

My friends and family know that I was raped. I am not quiet about it. I was raped by an entitled Chemistry major who was in a fraternity, cute, and well-liked. He raped me after we had broken up in my dorm room on the bed I would have to continue sleeping on until the end of the year. After, my male friend asked if I knew what I was accusing him of. Then, 6 1/2 years after, working in the field and dedicating my life to changing rape culture, I was drugged in a bar in my town, taken to a home of a man I did not know, and I was raped in his home. He terrorized me, dragged my lifeless body around like a “ragdoll” they said in court, and I was raped three separate times. I was pressured by the deputy district attorney to let him plea down to one count of sexual assault. I refused and my prosecutor supported me whole-heartedly. “That is NOT what happened to you,” he assured, and we pressed through.

I made the choice to go every single month to court, even though I knew it would be continued. I wanted the judge to see how serious I was, and I wanted to show my rapist that he did not win and that I would not back down. It was the hardest year of my existence. I sat on the stand in trial, watching my entire life ripped apart, being challenged on every word that I said. For 4 1/2 hours I was questioned and pressed and torn. I looked down from the stand at my rapist, as he and his attorney looked at pictures of my naked and bruised body offered up as evidence. He got to see my vulnerable parts once more. A week later, the judge on my case offered up a verdict through the mail, something that they only do for minor crimes. She acquitted my rapist on all counts. It was then I saw some supporters drop off. I watched some people become silenced. What they did not know was that THIS was reality. The judge on my case told the prosecutor that she didn’t believe a word my rapist said. She believed me. I watched, and he watched as the judge had tears in her eyes as I told my story. And yet, she acquitted my rapist on all counts.

I’ve had survivors reaching out to me this week, talking about how triggering all of this is, and how reading about what happened to the survivor in Standford brings them back to details of their own rapes. I’ve read some survivors on social media struggling to make sense of something that happened to them too. The details are gruesome and the aftermath just as horrific in many ways. Yet, this is the reality of rape. This is the reality that I live with every single day, and this is the reality that all of my clients live with, and this is the reality that all of the people who have spoken about it, or who hold it deep inside, deal with every day. Rape is awful and it happens…a lot. And it leaves a trail of shattered pieces that the survivor has to deal with now, very often on her own because when the dust settles, it’s just you standing there still in the muck trying to find a way out.

About 10 years ago, I was frustrated that people were ignorant about rape and the frequency at which it happens. I was frustrated that people did not understand that they do know people, many people, even if they have not disclosed to them, who are survivors. But I was reminded that I know this stuff because I work in this field and surround myself with it every day. Tonight, I was reminded the same thing, but this frustrates me even more because its been TEN YEARS since I first struggled with this idea. So much awareness has happened since then. Biden and Gaga and survivors on stage, survivors sharing on social media their experience with trauma, a tv series about sexual violence, songs, celebrities speaking out, laws and bills and movements. Why is it that we cannot fathom that this is reality?

It is difficult to think that 1 in 4 (conservatively speaking) will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. Do you know how many women are in your life? What does that mean? Does that mean that your own sister has been raped and has not told you? Does that mean that your daughter might be one day? How about your son? It is terrifying to think that we or someone we love may be raped. But that is an extremely dangerous trap. What that idea does is it perpetuates rape culture. It makes us say, “What is it about this that protects me from being raped?” You know the whole, “I wouldn’t have done X, Y, Z…” It’s that that hurts survivors and creates a world where Brock Turners think it’s ok to rape, that dads think it’s only “20 minutes of action” , and Judge Perskys decide to give ridiculously slim sentences. It’s a world where people like Turner’s friend issue statements like this— “But where do we draw the line and stop worrying about being politically correct every second of every day and see that rape on campus isn’t always because people are rapists.” (Fact: Rape is ALWAYS only because people are rapists, Leslie Rasmussen).

As a survivor and someone who works in this field, I am thrilled to see buzz about this case. It shows that this survivor’s voice is heard. It shows that there is a lot of anger about rape. What worries me is that in a matter of days, weeks if we’re lucky, this story will be buried among the thousands and thousands and thousands of survivor stories out there. Social media will be hushed, and the ones left standing will be survivors, survivors who were thrust into a world where this is their plight, this is their life now, and their fight. What I implore is that every single person who has shared in the anger and rage over this case continues to fight to change rape culture. Start by committing to continue to learn more about the realities of sexual violence. (This for starters.) Find a fierce bunch of humans who want to change the system to make it more viable for survivors and supportive and less devastating. (Find your local crisis center here or reach out to Voices, Inc. at voicesincmedia@ gmail.com). Find ways to fight rape culture and share them widely. Keep this conversation going every single day.

Rape will never go away completely. But if we commit to doing everything possible to reduce rape culture, we are well on our way to a safer and more supportive society. Believe the statistics that rape happens to 1/4 of women (1 in 6 men too). Don’t be scared by it. Just believe it and get enraged and do something about it.

I believe in a world where people believe every survivor and support system-wide change. I know that there are steps we can all take to reduce the impact of trauma on survivors, and create a world where rape is ALWAYS this terrible. I’ve made this my life’s work, and show up every single day, heart open, ready to make a difference for survivors. While it does not have to be your whole life, I plead that you do what is possible in your power to keep this conversation going. It is the very least we can do for this fiercely strong survivor and every other survivor whose story goes untold.

Monday Morning Gratitude Club

Happy Monday!

Today is clear, sunny, warm, and breezy. But unfortunately....Monday gets a bad rap! So that brings us to the return of the Monday Morning Gratitude Club.

Our longtime friend and supporter My Pace Racing (http://mypaceracing.com) started this many years ago on Facebook. Monday is the start of a brand new week. It's a chance to start clean after indulging in weekend treats and hit the ground running!

I've posted before about the benefits of gardening. It's a chance to be outside, in nature (one of the best anti-depressants!) and "create" something. Every day, the garden amazes me with the new flowers and leaves that spring to life. Well, this morning was extra special -- and delicious. This weekend's rain made my greens flourish! With that, I harvested a salad of spinach, butter lettuce, and arugula. Nothing tastes like garden-fresh produce.

So, this Monday morning, I'm grateful for urban gardens and rainy weather! How about you??

It's a beautiful day. Don't let it get away.

Called to Action

Good morning! Today is Thursday, June 2nd.

I don't know which part of the date is cause to #wearorange to promote gun safety (Instagram @amyschumer), but I did spend some time thinking about this Causeday.

In July of 2015, a gunman in Louisiana opened fire in a movie theater, showing the Amy Schumer comedy, Trainwreck. Two people died, nine suffered physical injury, and countless others experienced something akin to war. Senseless violence. Lasting effects on survivors. 

Amy Schumer spoke publicly about this event, in a very heartfelt press conference (from what I remember). She has spoken up for gun safety measures. (No, not "taking away your guns"; no one is challenging the Constitution.) More education, more intervention, more mental health services. More societal awareness of one another. Not overlooking people. (We overlook even those physically close to us!) I love it.

Now, I don't know where she stood on gun violence prior to that awful night. But it has made her a public face for gun safety, because people associate her name with a tragic event.

I admire this kind of action. It speaks to people who follow celebrities, via interest/association with a good cause. 

::sidebar: Mariska Hargitay, of "Law&Order: SVU", started Joyful Heart Foundation, after her exposure to the "weight that survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse carry"🔷.   One of my favorites!::

So today, the blog will #wearorange for #gunsafety.

(A multi-faceted problem that =/= abolishing the 2nd Amendment!)

It's a beautiful day. Don't let it get away.






🔷 bibliography: http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/about-us/founders-corner/more-about-mariska, ©2016.

National Running Day!

It's here! It's here! National/Global Running Day 😃

Run Over Depression will be hosting a group run for all ages and abilities in Center City, Philadelphia, PA.

When: June 1st, 6:30pm
Where: 1835 Market Street benches
Who: ALL ages & abilities!

We offer an inclusive, non-competitive environment for runners of all ages and abilities. Joining a competitive running group can be intimidating! We set the pace to the slowest runner in the group.

"Frenemies"

Surely you know what I mean.

That "friend" who always makes sure YOU know that they have it just a little better than you. Whether at home, at work, or on the proverbial playing field. They mock your aspirations, they put you down. After some time, these "friends" make you question your inherent value as a person.

Toxic relationships take many forms, of course. Family, coworkers, and neighbors can all have toxic effects on our well-being. But when it comes to toxic friendships, we are a bit more vulnerable. We might have been dealt a losing hand when it comes to family; we seldom have much control over our coworkers, and neighbors come and go. But we choose our friends. We invest time in building relationships. We rely on friends to support us through difficult times. But what about those people who thrive on your misfortune?

These people will dismiss your successes in order to spotlight their own. They will focus on your shortcomings & insecurities, rather than steering conversation in a positive direction. With "friends" like these, who needs enemies?!

Twitter user @debihope has now famously coined the phrase:

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” Notorious d.e.b. (http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/10/25/diagnose/)

Make sure, indeed!

On Parenting

Recently a photo elicited some intense reactions from the InterWebz, regarding a father holding his infant son in the shower. The father, named Thomas Whitten, was holding his son, Fox, in the shower, while the baby suffered from salmonella poisoning. Any parent who's dealt with a stomach bug knows how constantly the vomiting and diarrhea come out! Constant diarrhea in a diaper also predisposes babies to urinary tract infections.

(On a personal note, my beloved B. contracted a UTI as an infant, and spiked a fever of over 105F. I was 7 months pregnant with her baby sister at the time, yet RAN into an icy cold shower, bawling, praying her temperature would go down while begging her to wake up.)



This photo reminds me, so tragically, of that time.

Here's what I see: A father, heartbroken over his child's suffering, spending his time in the shower with his beloved child. Praying the illness will run its course without damage to the child.

But the internet? The Internet has chosen to vilify this father for "inappropriate" behavior. You know what's inappropriate? Letting a child suffer without his parent!

On the title of this blog, parenting makes way for so much insidious depression. The opportunity to be judged mercilessly, regardless of the decision made. For being too attentive/not attentive enough to a helpless infant. No matter the choice, the parent's is incorrect; the Internet *always* knows better, and society has never been quite so eager to contact CPS as the current generation!

As if being responsible for the life, health, and happiness of another human isn't stressful enough. There's always someone waiting to judge your next move. And the one after that. And after that.

Meanwhile, the alternative - a baby blowing chunks out of both ends and shivering with a fever, laying helpless in a crib - who does THAT appease?

Certainly not this mother.

Who spent an hour in a cold shower, begging through tears for my baby's fever to break. (We ended up spending the next 24 hours in hospital, after my husband called 911.)

Please, everyone focus on whether or not my breasts were covered sufficiently to appease the moral police. After all, a baby's life is secondary to the comfort of strangers online.

Getting Indoorphins

It's easy to get outdoorphins. All I have to do is go outside. Fresh air!
Vitamin D! And, living in a very "interesting" part of my city, I have wildlife galore. (Yesterday we had a bear. I should post about that, too!)

But the past two weeks of rainy weather - did I ever have cabin fever?! I live in the Northeast US, and it's still too cold to plant tomatoes. 🌨

Growing plants indoors has been very gratifying to me. I wasn't sure what to expect from $1 seeds! But we have beautiful greens abundant.

I don't always run in the rain; I'm too accident-prone. Color me fair-weather! I hope to get back up and running all the time. But I do try to get outside, no matter what. My fairy garden gives me a good chance to do that. I will post a photo as soon as I figure out how! 📸📱📲

Why #MaybeHeDoesntHitYou Matters

I'm not the best at blogging, but for this, I will give it my best.

A new hashtag, started by @bad_dominicana (Twitter, Instagram), has started a powerful movement toward recognizing emotional abuse. Because....it IS abuse, every bit as much as physical abuse. It hurts, it causes physical illness, and it leads to the same untrusting relationships as physical abuse.

But it's invisible.

Just like mental illness.

How many people in recovery would be rich if they had $1 for every time they were told to "snap out of it"? "It's all in your head"? "You can choose to be happy"? Many.

How many victims of terrible atrocities are told they "brought it upon" themselves? 🌚

Emotional abuse SHOULD be recognized as abuse. Yet society continues to restrict mental health resources, and enable victim-blaming, and shame people into remaining in unsafe or unhealthy situations. Women, men, children, even animals! Anyone can be abused. Evil does not discriminate.

Just like women, men, children, and even animals can suffer with *invisible* illnesses. Depression. Anxiety. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Schizophrenia. Etc. Illnesses that can stem from abuse of any kind: physical, emotional, psychological, institutional....

The sooner society recognizes the impact of emotional abuse, the sooner we may prevent people from developing invisible illness as a result. Abuse is abuse, and it needs to end - at the societal level.

Like my Granny always said: "A stitch in time saves nine."

#MaybeHeDoesntHitYou 🌞